NEVER Say Gilderoy Lockhart While I'm Drinking
by TheSerpentAndTheLion
Summary: When the Dark Lord rises again, The Order of the Phoenix reconvenes for the first time to drown their sorrows in Firewhiskey. Snape and Sirius face off, Hagrid and Moody chum up, and the legendary Aberforth leads the festivities! AU, but in character.
1. Chapter 1: So it Begins

Disclaimer: We are poor poor college students. If we owned this stuff, we would not be here eating Ramen Noodles, but in a castle, sitting on a pile of gold doubloons, like J.K. Rowling.

This story takes place in the summer following Harry Potter's fourth year

Author's Note: **Before we get any angry reviews, please note that this situation is unrealistic. **_The element that makes it worth reading is that we've kept in character. _**We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we've enjoyed writing it! **_The situation was entirely implausible. Who would have thought that the Order of the __Phoenix__, the only line of defense for the wizarding world could consume so much hard liquor during their first Friday night gathering of the 'old crowd.'_ **Of course, if you had just heard that the darkest wizard in centuries had suddenly been reborn, your first reaction might be to run for the Firewhiskey as well.**

Chapter 1: So It Begins

So there they were, gathering for the first time in almost fourteen years, in their new headquarters, Grimmauld Place, each bringing enough alcohol to sustain the most riotous of frat parties.

Sirius stood at the door, welcoming each Order member as they arrived.

"Hey Mundungus! Good to see you!" He cried. Sirius had clearly already had a few drinks.

"Hello my old friend, wow I'm not the first one here am I?" The shady wizard nudged Sirius in the ribs and walked past him into the adjoining room. He had been right, there were already several people seated around the table.

Remus Lupin was chatting pleasantly with Minerva McGonagall. Tonks, who was sporting bright blue hair, tied back in a loose ponytail, was conversing with Molly, Arthur, Bill and Charlie Weasley. Each of the seven was idly sipping out of half full glasses, which seemed insufficient to the new arrival.

"Hello Weasleys! Goin' a bit light, eh? Arthur, I know you can handle more than that!" Mr. Weasley went a bit red, and looked sheepishly at his wife. With that, Mundungus raised his wand and conjured five tall glasses, each filled to spilling with strong-smelling Firewhiskey.

"Now, I wanna see the bottom of these glasses by the time I get back, or you'll all be the newest additions to the little magical miss competition. Do I make myself clear?" The Weasleys and Tonks looked skeptical, but each knew better than to refuse to drink when Mundungus was around. Resolutely, they lifted their glasses.

"To the Order, may the fall of You-Know-Who be swift and painless…for us!" Tonks toasted, and all five drank.

Mundungus nodded, as though his work was only beginning, and moved on to the other end of the table.

"Mrs. Figg! Come in, come in!" Sirius called. The old squib pulled an ancient bottle from her large carpet bag, handed it to Sirius and followed him into the room with the others.

She entered just in time to rescue Lupin from Mundungus.

"Figgy! Long time no see, eh?"

"Mundungus." She nodded grimly. Sirius handed the bottle to Mundungus, who seemed to be the unspoken keeper of the liquor. He uncorked the bottle and poured drinks for Sirius, Mrs. Figg and himself. Just then, another knock came at the door. Sirius ran to answer it.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he snarled.

"Certainly not to visit you. I was told that this was an Order gathering, and as I am an Order member…well, hopefully even your mind can piece together my logic."

Snape swept past a scowling Sirius and into the adjoining room. He nodded to anyone who happened to be looking and sat down beside Minerva, throwing a withering glance at Lupin as he did.

Snape then produced a bottle of green Saurian Brandy and a green crystal snifter from his robes and poured himself a large drink.

"Severus, don't believe for one an instant that your green theme will intimidate me at all. You're really slipping in the subtlety area," McGonagall said, though a bit less commanding than usual, as she had already downed the glass that Mundungus had given her, which- knowing Mundungus- contained a bit more than the normal alcohol level of Firewhiskey.

Severus raised an eyebrow and sipped from his glass.

"I can play that game as well as you," she continued, as she transfigured her glass into a bright red goblet, with the Gryffindor Seal emblazoned on the side.

Snape sipped again and sneered. Only Lupin was coherent enough to realize that she had reacted precisely as Snape had wanted. Sirius was standing by, looking angry, when another knock came at the front door. Sirius walked out of the room, downing his Firewhiskey; smiling as he opened the door.

"Dumbledore?"  
"Yes. Hello." The wizard stepped into the house, smiled at Sirius and walked in to join the others.

"Dumbledore?" All four Weasleys had said it at the same time; obviously nobody had expected Dumbledore to show up.

The elder wizard smile and nodded, turning to Minerva, who stopped her heated discussion with Snape regarding the House Cup when he approached.

"…Albus?" she asked. Dumbledore raised an eyebrow and turned to Mundungus.

"Aberforth!" he yelled, "didn't think you'd make it after last night!"

"Aberforth! I didn't know you were in the Order!" Sirius cried.

"Nobody does," he replied, "and after tonight, you won't remember," he added, winking at Sirius and turning to fill Lupin's glass. Lupin looked a bit confused.

"Nobody's got empty-cup-syndrome like Aberforth," Mundungus crowed. "He'll never let your cup be a drop lower than full, that's why we're such a good team," he said as he threw his arm over Aberforth's shoulder. "I make you a drink and he fills ya back up. Oh it's gonna be a helluva night!" he added slapping the white-bearded wizard on the back.

"Aberforth? Aberforth Dumbledore?" asked Charlie Weasley in awe.

"…As in Dumbledore's brother?" Billed added hoping for answers.

Both men looked at their parents.

"No. I forbid it. Don't you dare say one word to him. I don't know him, but I've heard the stories, and any man who is only recognized by Mundungus is no good at all," Mrs. Weasley commanded.

Bill and Charlie looked at one another. It didn't matter how old they got, when their mother gave a command, they knew better than to cross her. Bill leaned in and whispered to his younger brother.

"Obviously, she hasn't had much to drink yet. This may be our only opportunity to meet the legendary Aberforth. Ever. I've heard the stories too and if even half of them are true, I will not give up that opportunity. If we get her tanked enough, we can slip away and talk to him; she'll never know!"

Charlie nodded and smiled, he smiled a smile that put his younger prankster brothers' evil 'I've got a plan' grins to shame. Bill poured five more glasses and passed them around the table. Everyone seemed oblivious to the fact that Molly's was just a bit larger than everybody else's.

Without any warning whatsoever, the door burst open and Hagrid lumbered into the room.

"Hiya ev'ryone!" The towering half-giant had created a new take on an old favorite; upon his head was a huge helmet. Tubes ran from either side of his mouth up into two large kegs which were strapped to the helmet.

"Hagrid!" Sirius said, "Love the keg helmet, what is it butterbeer?"

"Nah, no' nearly strong enough, that's me favorite Scottish ale." Sirius nodded in appreciation, and left to answer the door again, as a knock had just come.

"M-Mad-Eye!" Sirius said, surprised that the ex-Auror had come to the gathering.

"Black." The gruff man nodded and followed him into the adjoining room, where the party was only beginning.

Author's Note: **We have spent countless sleepless and hysterical nights on this fic. **_You cannot fathom the merriment in store for our heroes and yourselves. _**Another chapter will be up shortly!**

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	2. Chapter 2: A Challenge is Issued

Disclaimer in Chapter 1

Author's Note: **Another week, another chapter.**_ Fear not, the action is beginning, so you, the readers, may begin enjoying this story as much as we enjoy writing it. _**I don't think that's possible. **_Well hopefully you'll have yourself a thorough chortle in any case. _**Chortle… really? **_Never you mind._

Chapter 2: A Challenge is Issued

"Certainly you can't believe that Gryffindor will sweep both the House and Quidditch Cups," Snape said silkily, again sipping from his brandy glass. Each time he sipped, Aberforth appeared over his shoulder and attempted to refill his glass. Despite the warnings Snape gave him, in the form of deadly glares, the professor's cup continued to be refilled time and again.

"The only way Slytherin will win," McGonagall proclaimed, "is if _somebody_ awards and demerits points unfairly."

"Yes, really, Severus. I mean, I love Gryffindor, but I never played favorites when I was a professor," Lupin said, joining the conversation.

"Lupin, really, if you would like me to remain civil, I suggest you avoid the topic of your professorship." Snape was obviously still furious at the way that year had ended. He lifted his glass for another drink.

"At least I was better than Gilderoy Lockhart."

Snape nearly spit his entire mouthful of brandy all over McGonagall. He sputtered and wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his robes. When he had composed himself, he glared at Lupin who was laughing in spite of himself.

"Never say Lockhart while I'm drinking," Snape said dangerously.

All would be have been well and subject forgotten, if Sirius had not been passing behind Snape at that every instant. He waited like an animal stalking its prey. Severus again lifted his glass to try for another swallow.

"…Lockhart!" Sirius cried suddenly. Snape was caught so off guard that this time he did spit out his drink, but only a split second after having turned to see his antagonizer. Thus it was that Sirius found himself covered in Saurian Brandy and staring into the face of a very unhappy Severus Snape.

Snape stood immediately and quickly, knocking over his chair in the process. The two wizards stared each other down. Had anybody gotten caught in the crossfire of their death glares, they would have melted right into the floor.

"Boys, I will not have any of this." The voice was McGonagall's. She stood unsteadily and grabbed each of the men by the ear. Had she been sober, she would never have attempted such a foolish action, but as it was, she seemed to revert easily back to the days when Severus and Sirius were in school and no doubt had many such encounters. The two men broke their glares and looked at McGonagall. Before they could say a word, Remus broke the tension.

"Come gentlemen, surely there's a better way to settle your differences," he said.

"You're absolutely right, Moony old friend. Snivillus, I challenge you to a drinking contest," Sirius snarled. He sounded as though he had already won.

"I rarely engage in such childish pursuits, Black, as you do," Snape sneered.

"Well, if you're frightened then…" Sirius shrugged, obviously in an attempt to push his rival into action.

"For this, I will make an exception. Match me drink for drink and we shall see who is truly a man," Snape said softly.

"Done." Both men took seats across from one another at the table. By this time, Mundungus and Aberforth were already coursing into action.

"Alright, I'm taking bets!"

"10 galleons on Sirius to drink Severus under the table!" cried Mrs. Figg. Sirius smirked in delight.

"15 galleons that Severus goads Sirius into a fist fight before either is done drinking!" Tonks yelled, holding the coins in her hand.

"Two of the most stubborn students I've ever taught!" cried Minerva, "I'll bet 7 galleons that they both drink until neither is conscious. She no sooner had dropped her money into Mundungus' outstretched hands, when she stumbled over to the Weasley's and sat down, on Bill's lap.

"Professor McGonagall… are you all right?" Bill asked as Charlie filled his mother's glass again.

"Quite all right, Mr. Weasley," she said, though her look was glazed and she appeared to be trying to stare straight through Bill's head, "it's been quite a while since we all got together like this you know, of course you're be to young to remember what it was like in those days…"

"I haven't seen you drink but one glass of Firewhiskey, professor. How are you so…" The red- head had not pictured the strict woman as such a lightweight.

"Promise you won't tell?" she asked in voice that was uncharacteristically mischievous.

Bill nodded and both the witch and wizard stood and walked to a corner away from the scene developing in the room.

"It's a simple spell really," she whispered.

"What spell?" Bill asked. His curiosity was piqued and he had every intention of discovering exactly how his former professor ended up in her current state.

"Transfiguration, Mr. Weasley. Watch." She pointed her wand at Bill's face, which gave him quite a start; in her condition, he couldn't be certain what she would do.

"Salivinatium Firewhiskey!" she said. Bill felt a peculiar sensation; all of the salvia in his mouth had become Firewhiskey!

He smiled evilly and eyed his mother. "Can you teach me that spell, professor?" he asked sweetly.

"Well, of course!" She said, a bit louder than necessary.

"So is this what you do all day, Black? Sit around and build your alcohol tolerance?" Snape said, tossing back a shot of Firewhiskey.

Aberforth filled two more shot glasses and placed them in front of the dueling wizards.

"What, you mean while you're out partying with all your Death Eater pals?" Sirius pronounced.

"Jealous that I have friends and yours have gotten themselves killed?" Snape taunted.

Sirius slammed down his glass and downed one more shot before winding back and punching Snape right in the nose.

Snape was sent toppling off his chair, but an instant later he was wiping the blood dripping down his face and picking himself and his chair off the ground, while he pointed his wand directly between Sirius' eyes.

"Damn," said Sirius.

"I don't think you want to do that Snape," came a growl from the corner. Mad-Eye Moody walked forward and sliced through the fierce tension in the room. The disfigured old wizard held out both his hands.

"You'll get 'em back at the end of the night, not while you'd both burn for a year if I lit you on fire."

Sirius and Severus, both aware that when it came to Moody he just might try to set them on fire to prove his point, begrudgingly handed over their wands.

When they sat back down, Aberforth already had shots ready for both of them.

Tonks held out her hand to collect from Mundungus, who was having so much fun watching the two embittered wizards immersed in their trial that he handed over 30 galleons with only a small flinch of pain. In celebration, Tonks converted her hair to match the occasion. Half of it was bright red, the other, deep green.

The room was watching with great interest as Sirius and Severus continued to match one another shot for shot. Arabella was quick to notice, though, that her investment might not be unrewarded. Despite Snape's significant advantage in the beginning Sirius was continuing to drink each shot as if they were merely very small glasses of pumpkin juice.

Meanwhile, Bill was quickly remembering why Transfiguration had been his favorite subject. Molly Weasley was now hopelessly drunk.

"Arthur, we really should have gotten together with everyone more often," she slurred with a smile on her face, "don't you just love everyone here?" She then turned her unfocused gaze on her two oldest sons. "Fred, George, oh I mean Ron… Percy… _Ginny_? Oh why are there so many of you? How is anyone supposed to remember seven children when they all have red-hair!" she shouted in great despair.

"Well, I'd say we accomplished that mission," whispered Charlie, with a devious grin.

"Right, now we can finally talk to Aberforth!"

Author's Note: **I guess now you understand the title at least in passing. **_Go ahead. Try it on a Harry Potter-aware friend. It continues to work on Lion after dozens of tries. _**Well how would YOU react if someone shouted GILDEROY LOCKHART when your mouth was full of apple juice? **_:looks innocently around: I don't know. What kind of cruel person would do that? _**Slytherins.**


	3. Chapter 3: Regarding the Legend

Disclaimer in Chapter 1

Author's Note: **'bout the time of week for more Firewhiskey. **_This is a short chapter, ladies and gents, but a good one. Enjoy._

Chapter 3: Regarding the Legend

As Bill and Charlie stood to give Mrs. Weasley the slip, each found themselves with a firm hand on his shoulder. Arthur Weasley stepped between them.

"You don't honestly think I'm going to let you go cavort with that man?"

"Dad, awe, come on, this is our only chance…" Charlie was cut off with a gesture.

"Like a said, you don't honestly think I'm gonna let you go cavort with that man and leave me here, do you?"

Arthur grinned a devious grin that proved that all the pranks and tricks that were prominent in the Weasley children were hereditary.

Bill and Charlie shared a look that clearly stated how much they loved their father at that moment. All three were suddenly looking like giddy first years on their first after-hours exploration of Hogwarts.

"C'mon!" They escaped Molly Weasley, who had grabbed Tonks and was now talking unceasingly at her.

Tonks had been uncomfortable at first, but had downed a few more glasses of Firewhiskey and was now participating animatedly in the conversation.

"Oy! Aberforth!" Charlie called, no longer afraid that his mother might hear; she was well beyond the realm of noticing or caring now.

The old wizard motioned the trio to his side; he was unwilling to abdicate his duty of refilling glass after glass for Sirius and Severus. He had apparently become an honorary member of the contest as he drank just as many drinks as he poured for the competitors and the others in the room, but was still more than happy to tell the three men anything they wanted to know.

"So, your Dumbledore's brother, eh?" Arthur began. The wizard nodded as he handed liquor filled tumbles to each of the red-heads.

"Ally's a minute and half older than me," Aberforth added.

Bill laughed out loud…_Ally?_

"What's it like having him as a brother?" asked Charlie.

"Well, let's see…you have seven children Arthur, roll 'em all up into one person, multiple it by 9,178, and give it an unusual affinity for socks and there you have it." He said, refilling the glasses of the Weasley's, himself, Mundungus, McGongagall, Sirius, and Snape. He tried to hand a glass to Moody, but the wizard threw it against the wall screaming, "Are you trying to kill me, you fool?"

The ex-auror, then resolutely transfigured a nearby table into a large sign which read "Feed me no drinks, and I'll drink no death. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" and plastered it to the back of the chair he was sitting in. As he did, he took another larger gulp form his flask, which obviously from his behavior, was not filled with milk.

"So is it true…" Bill asked Aberforth where Moody had settled down.

"No," he replied easily.

"But I haven't even asked you yet. I was going to ask if it was true that you were as powerful and smart as your brother. You're not, then?"

"Ally's exactly one and half minutes smarter and more powerful than I am, and it shows, believe me." He handed another shot to Snape and Sirius, both of whom looked as though they were barely beginning their standoff.

"How do you know Mundungus?" Charlie asked.

"Old Dungbomb and I go way back. We've been in business together for thirty years now. Why last night-" but he was cut off cold.

"Sorry gents, but that's classified," Mundungus interjected.

"Yes, well another time perhaps, when the deed is not so fresh."

The cryptic answer left all three Weasleys desperately wondering what Mundungus and Aberforth could possibly do to run a steady business for thirty years, and why they couldn't discuss it.

They all briefly toyed with the idea with getting one or the other of the shady wizards drunk enough to reveal their secrets, but they quickly drew the conclusion that there was simply not enough Firewhiskey in Britain to achieve such a task.

Author's Note: **One and a half minutes. I love it. **_I thank you. Tune in next week for another chapter _**and more antics.**_ We shall see you then, adieu. _**You are so pretentious. **_I do try._


	4. Chapter 4: New Arrivals

Disclaimer in Chapter 1

Author's Note: **Well, so much for our once a week schedule. We suck. **_You suck. I am merely lazy. _**You give new meaning to lazy. Way to take whole month to proofread a two page chapter. **_Beggars cannot be choosers, my friend. Anyway, at long last, here is the next installment. Because it is late at night and we were in a Firewhiskey mood._

Chapter 4: New Arrivals

"No way; tell me you're joking!"

The words were Arthur's Weasley's, the red- head and his eldest sons were staring incredulously at Aberforth, who was filling up glasses for Severus and Sirius who, though slumping a bit, were still glaring daggers at one another and sopping up Firewhiskey like sponges.

Bill wiped the tears from his eyes and quelled his laughter.

"Wow, I really wish Fred and George were here, they would love to meet you!"

"Ah, the Weasley twins. Yes," Aberforth smiled, "Tell them I said hello when you see them."

All three Weasleys conjured their remaining sobriety to stare in shock at the man before them.

"Y-y-you KNOW Gred and Forge!" cried Mr. Weasley.

"Actually, you're right," Aberforth mused, "The Wheezers would very much appreciate tonight's festivities."

No sooner had Aberforth spoken the words than Mundungus nodded and excused himself.

The shock had not yet worn off when Mundungus returned minutes later with Fred and George in tow.

"No! No! No!" Arthur Weasley cried.

"Hi dad!" was the unison call from the boys. "Bill, Charlie! Dung said you guys were having a party without us," Fred said.

"You should know," George continued, "there are no parties without us."

"No boys, you can't stay. When your mother spots you…" all eyes turned to Molly Weasley who was unloading her life's story on Tonks's shoulder, who was listening with rapt attention. "…erm, all right…you can stay, but only if you behave. If your mother regains her senses and you're still here…" Arthur allowed a brief look of terror for his own safety to flit across his face.

"Don't worry. Mum'll never know!" George said.

"Now, it looks as if some wagering has been taking place," chimed in Fred, rubbing his hands together and turning to face Mundungus.

The prospect of winning a few galleons seemed to override the initial shock that both boys ought to have felt upon entering a room that contained so many of their professors in such a compromising situation.

"Oh yes, interested in a bet, lads?" Mundungus crowed.

Fred and George surveyed the scene, obviously sniffing out their best opportunity. Then whispered a few words and turned to Mundungus.

"Doesn't look like you've been doing your job on that side of the room, Dung."

Mundungus let his eyes fall on Remus Lupin and Arabella Figg, who were quietly chatting in a corner amiably.

"What are you suggesting?" Mundungus smirked.

"Only this," Fred proposed. "George and I will wager 50 galleons a piece that we can turn Lupin and his companion over there belligerent before your protégés," the red-head gestured at the still-upright Severus and Sirius next to them, "are under the table."

"Fine, one hundred galleons then," Mundungus extended his hand, but the twins just stared at it skeptically.

"Don't be foolish, Dung, we aren't going to take one to one odds, they've been at it for ages now." George waved a hand in front of the army of empty shot glasses overturned on the table, "Who do we look like, Gilderoy Lockhart?"

There conversation was interrupted by a horrible sputtering; Snape had spit his Firewhiskey all over Sirius' face. He turned and glared viciously at the twins as he immediately grabbed a full shot glass from Aberforth's hand and downed it to keep pace with his opponent.

Sirius wiped his face, picked up another shot, filled his mouth and spit it straight in Snape's face. The table fell silent for a moment, until the tension was broken.

"You are a drink behind Black. Come now, all that training you had for this competition while you were chasing witches and ignoring your studies at school should serve you better." Snape wiped liquor from his face and downed another shot. Sirius downed one form each hand and the competition resumed.  
"Did Snape just call that guy Black?" asked Fred in confusion.

"As in _Sirius Black_?" George asked.

"Yes well, Sirius is actually innocent, and he's in the Order now" explained Arthur, giving the highly edited version.

"Yeah, apparently, he's Harry's godfather and is friends with Ron- he's the one that gave him Pig," Charlie added.

The twins nodded, clearly impressed, "Well if that don't beat all." Fred said.

"Speaking of winning, Dung? Our wager?"

"Fine," Mundungus grudgingly said to his young friends. "Five to one."

"Done." Both twins put their hands out and Mundungus shook them both with his right and left hands.

The twins turned like predators stalking prey and gave a short look at Lupin and Mrs. Figg before crossing the room, picking up some pastries on the way.

Author's Note: **We'll post again in a few days. If Serpent stops being …lazy. **_You are setaling my literary device. Slytherins hold the exclusive rights to… insert ellipses to add… pretention. Gryffindors use exclamation points. _**Fine.**** Stop being freaking lazy and proofread chapter 5!**


	5. Chapter 5: Raising the Stakes

Disclaimer in Chapter 1

Authors' Note: _As we promised, a new chapter._** Mad-Eye, Lupin and Hagrid, **_many antics will ensue. _**I love writing this story. **_Oh me too, my friend… me too._

Chapter 5: Raising the Stakes

As Fred and George strategized, their older brothers and father were hot on their heels.

"How in the world do you know Mundungus and Aberforth?" asked Bill.

"We get around," answered Fred evasively.

"The key to any successful business is having the right connections- and Dung and Ab are the best," added George.

"Hang on you two," said Charlie, "where did you two ever get a hundred galleons?"

Fred and George looked at each other and then back to their family, "That's classified," they said in unison.

"Classified!" wailed Arthur, "why is everything around here bloody classified!"

"Listen, really we'd really like to stay and chat-"

"-but we have business at attend to," finished Fred.

The twins ran off to fulfill their mission. Meanwhile, Minerva had joined Molly and Tonks and all three women were laughing riotously as they drank glass after glass of any drink Mundungus happened to place in front of them. His job was becoming more and more difficult because with each drink they had, their unsteady hands caused more and more alcohol to fall onto the table and floor than in their mouths.

Hagrid had now moved over to Mad-Eye's corner, where the ex-Auror was still seated in his chair with his back to wall, weary of any sudden attack.

" 'ello, Mr. Moody, how ya doing this fine eve'nin'!" Hagrid slurred.

"How fine this evening is remains to be seen," Moody snorted.

" Aye, I suppose yer right, there, Mr. Moody."

"Flimsy security around here. In my day, there was such a thing as caution."

"Well, uh…" Hagrid looked decidedly uncomfortable, but was determined to remain friendly, "can I get you a…oh I see."

"Ah, see the sign, now, don't you?" Moody said with a knowingly smirk, "I see at least somebody else has taken a leaf out of my book and decided to use their wits," Moody gestured at Hagrid's helmet and then to his hip flask. "At least someone in this crowd's got some sense, there's a good lad."

Hagrid nodded politely, struggling to find something to start an actual conversation about.

"So, uh…do ya like Quidditch?" Hagrid asked.

"Quidditch? Never a place better designed for a murder to appear like an accident. A virtual death trap with paying spectators!"

"Oh, I never considered tha' before."

"That's the trouble Hagrid! People don't 'consider'! They assume the best- but survivors are prepared for the worst, that's what I always say."

"Well, I s'pose it's worked for ya," consented Hagrid.

"That it has. Oh I know full well what most people think of me, calling me 'crazy Mad-Eye' and what have you- but I'm still kicking and the question really is, will they be able to say the same when they're my age?"

Hagrid and Mad-Eye continued their conversation, only pausing to drink from their respective personal containers. Moody had been searching for a protégé to follow his advice, and Hagrid had been looking for a drinking partner for the night.

"Hey Professor Lupin!" called Fred.

"Fred? George?" asked Lupin, clearly surprised. "Are you two supposed to be here?"

"Aw, don't worry, Mundungus brought us. We know we're not in the Order, but we are of age," explained George.

"And considering it doesn't look as though the Order is in the middle of top-secret plans against the forces of You-Know-Who, we don't see any harm being done," added Fred.

"Oh I see," said Lupin, "Oh and don't worry, I'll be sure not to mention any of this to Molly."

"We would be most appreciative," said Fred, as George passed him a pastry. "Oh, thanks George, would you care for one Professor Lupin?"

"You both can call me Remus, as I'm no longer your professor, and this is certainly not an educational setting, and thank you," he said as he accepted the pastry. "Oh forgive me, I forgot my manners. This is Mrs. Figg, Arabella this is Fred and George Weasley."

"Pleasure," she said, extending a hand for them to shake, "and feel free to call me Arabella."

"Oh it's nice to meet you, would you care for a pastry?" asked George sweetly.

"I'd love one- thank you."

"So boys, how does the Gryffindor Quidditch Team look this year?" Remus asked politely.

"Oh well, we lost Wood, replacing him is going to be tough, our chasers are great though," Fred said.

George finished the thought, "And Harry only misses the snitch if Dementors attack, so we're not worried."

"Are you boys worried about your NEWTs?" asked Arabella, "I hear they are extremely difficult."

"You heard?" asked George.

"Squib," she responded, through the pastry in her mouth.

"Ah," Fred nodded, "No, we really aren't too worried."

"We don't worry about much," George intoned.

Remus nodded, slightly regretfully. "Very gifted inventors as I recall."

"Inventors?" Mrs. Figg asked politely.

"Oh yes. Always creating some concoction to…turn you into this, or that…" Remus' expression grew steadily more horrified as his words tapered off and realization struck.

"Another pastry?" Fred asked, offering the plate to Remus.

"Boys you didn't…" Lupin blinked a few times to clear his vision. He found that all of the sudden his head weighed much more than he remembered and everything in the room seemed a bit funnier than it had been seconds before.

"Oh yes thank you!" he shouted at Fred, who was only two feet away from him.

"You're not going to give him another tainted tart are you?" George asked his brother.

"No, no, I doubt that it would serve us, or him," Fred whispered back, though the clandestiny was hardly necessary, as Lupin and Mrs. Figg were standing up, and shouting animatedly at one another.

"So then I said to him…'No, you fool, I'm a werewolf'!"

Both witch and wizard burst into hysterics. Fred and George took the opportunity to refill the giggling par's half empty cups, and put the newly full cups into their owners' hands.

Remus and Arabella quickly downed their Firewhiskey and continued their conversation.

"But it was only a boggart so I…" Lupin stopped himself mid-sentence. "This party is no fun without music!"

George smiled at his brother, who looked slyly at Mundungus across the room.

Meanwhile, Lupin had drawn his wand and pointed it at a table that held a record album on it.

"Minisculus Musicians!"

Immediately, the picture of the musicians on the record, who had been playing silently, could be heard.

"I just love swing. Don't you love swing Arabella?" Lupin slurred.

"Swing? Why I used to cut quite a rug in my day Remus. But that won't do at all…"

She gave Remus a meaningful look, pointing first at the record and than to ear.

"Sonarus!" called Remus. The music's volume went up several notches and drowned out the other noise in the room, forcing everybody else to shout over it.

"May I?" Remus bowed elegantly, if unsteadily, and extended his hand, which Mrs. Figg clasped in her own.

Lupin stepped onto a chair and than further up onto a table, pulling Mrs. Figg up behind him.

They both immediately launched into a Lindy Hop that would have filled Count Basie, who was of course a wizard, with pride.

Fred and George shook hands triumphantly as they looked over to see Snape and Sirius slowly and shakily down another shot each.

Authors' Note: **Coming soon… **_You'd like to know wouldn't you? _**Too bad! You'll have to wait until next week! **_Oh chapter six is worth the wait too. _**Heh**** heh! I can hardly wait myself!**


	6. Chapter 6: Dung's Prank

Disclaimer in Chapter 1

Authors' Note: _This may just be the turning point of the story. _**You say that as if it's some literary masterpiece instead of a fanfic about drinking. **_I only deal in masterpieces, my friend. _**Yeah, sure you do. Shut up. **_Well, in any case. I particularly enjoyed writing this chapter. _

Chapter 6: Dung's Prank

Mundungus heard the music and immediately knew he was out 500 galleons.

"I knew I shouldn't have bet against Snape and Black's hatred for each other. They'll never bloody give up! Ah well," his beady eyes squinted with anger at the loss of his true love, that is to say, money. They suddenly became bright again as his thoughts ran down more amusing paths. "They have slowed down a bit…there must be some way to liven things up again…"

Only Aberforth noticed or recognized the cast that washed over Mundungus Fletcher's ruddy face for an instant. The barman-wizard gave the slightest nod and peripherally watched his best friend slide silently from the room. He blinked only once, when he heard the distinct "pop!" of a disapparating wizard.

"Ah, Hagrid. You have such a zeal for life," Moody cackled as he took another swig from his obviously bottomless flask. "In my younger days, I was just like you- gallivanting around without a care in the world; thought I'd always have someone looking out for me."

The scarred wizard looked at Hagrid with a fondness that the half-giant had never seen in Moody's face before. "I used to have a skip in my step, and a hope in my heart, and a memory in my mind... and a love in my life…and a dance in my day…and a smile in my summer…and a wonder in my winter…and a frolic in my fall…and a song in my spring…"

"Err...speakin' 'a songs…," interrupted Hagrid, lest he be forced to stay the rest of the night listening about Moody's 'splendor in his soul'. "Do yeh know any?"

Moody was shaken from his reverie.

"Songs? What songs?"

"Yeh know, drinkin' songs."

"Why, I once was the penultimate poet, son. I wrote quite a few in my day."

"Oh yeah? Le's see…do yeh know the one tha' starts…

Oooo, Ei de di de di de di de di de di de DI…

I went down to the Hog's Head-

I had myself a beer-

I foresaw a grand night-

All my friends were near-"

Moody was taping his wooden leg to the beat that Hagrid had established. His magical eye was spinning wildly, first towards Hagrid, who was blissfully happy with his song and brew, then to Aberforth Dumbledore who had smiled and winked at the mention of his legitimate business front. When Hagrid pronounced the last line, he gestured to Moody who, as only the excess of Firewhiskey would allow, took up the lyrics where Hagrid had left off.

"I sat with them all close by-

I toasted o'er my glass-

We raised each drink up to our lips-

And downed them all real fast!"

Both men sang loudly, competing with the big band that suspended Remus and Mrs. Figg in a never ending Jitterbug.

"OH Ei de di de di de di de di de di de di!

Another round was brought us-

The waitress gave a wink-

I smiled most gallant at her-

And bought the lass a drink!

She sat down right next to me-

And smiled so sublime-

We all drank up to her health-

Then ordered Rhenish wine!

OH EI DE DI DE DI DE DI DE DI DE DI DE DI!"

The last chorus grabbed the attention of the five Weasley men, who all joined in the next verse, each more surprised than the next that each other Weasley knew the lyrics.

"Every glass we tasted-

She moved closer to me-

She inched her way so close that-

She touched me with her knee-"

At that moment, Hagrid put each of his massive arms around the closest Weasleys on either side, which happed to be Fred and Charlie. Mr. Weasley took the hint and clung likewise to George and Bill.

"She must have seen me blushin'"

They belted, "Or she wouldn't have acted so-

She handed me a fresh glass-

How I drank I'll never know!

OH EI DE DI DE DI DE DI DE DI DE DI DE DI!"

With the chorus, Remus stopped his furious swing, and Aberforth halted the flow of Firewhiskey to the competitors. Lupin, Aberforth, and Sirius joined in the lyrics. The women were silent and dumbstruck, and Snape looked disgusted at the raucous display of love and camaraderie.

"My heart was all a flutter-

And my glass was always topped-

We drank and sang into the night-

Ne'er were we stopped!

Suddenly the rest of the singers dropped out, staring intently at Moody and Hagrid. Hagrid took the first line.

"Finally she kissed me-"

And Moody took the second.

"Oh my love for her is sound"

They gestured fondly for Aberforth to take the next.

"I love that lassy so much,"

Every wizard in the room, including the sneering Slytherin Head of House who, though never before participating, had heard the song many times in the past, shouted the final line:

"THAT I CALLED FOR ONE MORE ROUND!"

The room burst into applause, as Remus tossed Mrs. Figg into the air and Sirius sat down in front of his freshly poured shot.

The crowd had been reinvigorated by the song. Sirius and Severus tossed their Firewhiskey back as if it were their first of the night. Their formerly hazy glares had regained some of their poison- the battle was raging once more.

The tension would have been unbearable if Sirius hadn't once again resorted to old tricks. He waited until Severus had his glass poised and shouted, "Gilderoy Lockhart!"

True to form, Snape spit his shot his Sirius' face, but this time, Black did not respond. He sat frozen, Firewhiskey dripping from his chin.

"GILDEROY LOCKHART!" he yelled again.

"Black, you have had your fun, many times. The joke wears thin, and the Firewhiskey wears badly on your face. I will not respond to that again," Snape sneered.

"Hello."

Snape's sneer was wiped clean and his eyes grew wide. He knew the voice that chimed from the doorway; he knew it and he hated it.

Slowly he turned to see Mundungus Fletcher, in all black robes with dust clinging to his hair and a wry smile playing at his lips, standing next to the immaculately groomed, hospital-robe clad, grinning Gilderoy Lockhart.

Authors' Note: **We just wanted to clear a few things up. We had questions about Fred and George and their money. **_This story takes place after fourth year, so Harry just gave them his Tri-wizard prize money. _**No, we don't think they'd spend it frivolously, but they had full confidence in their concoction and knew they'd win the bet. They tricked Mundungus, knowing they'd increase their savings**_. Also, as far as this chapter is concerned, the template for the drinking song is from the television show "Whose Line is it Anyway?" but the lyrics are entirely original. _


	7. Chapter 7: It's My Party

Disclaimer in Chapter 1

Authors' Note: **We know you're all dying to see what happens. **_How will the merrymakers react to the arrival of Gilderoy Lockhart? _**:chokes on apple juice: Grrr….. **_Heh._

Chapter 7: It's My Party

Snape's fists clenched around the glass in his hand, shattering it to pieces. Aberforth poured a full glass of Firewhiskey on Snape's hand, instantly cauterizing the wound. Severus noticed none of this.

"A party? For me? But it isn't even my birthday!" Lockhart bounced into the room, blissfully ignorant of the hatred that pierced the back of his head from Snape's eyes. The Potion's master used all of his skills as a gifted Legilimens to block Lockhart form is mind as he turned back to the task before him.

"It's Gilderoy Lockhart!" The scream came from the corner of the room where Tonks, Molly Weasley, and Minerva McGonagall had their chairs facing one another.

"Yes, hello!" Lockhart greeted. Upon hearing his name he bounded over to where the women were seated. Tonks and Molly leaped from their chairs clumsily and each gripped one of Lockhart's arms to keep from falling straight to the floor.

Gilderoy obviously did not at all mind the attention. He stood up straight and balanced the ladies; he of course was easily able to, having no Firewhiskey in him at all.

McGonagall tossed aside the casual alcoholic haze that clouded her mind in order to throw a perfectly aimed hateful scowl at the blonde wizard.

He didn't notice.

"Thank you. Thank you. Yes, I was very surprised; I LOVE surprises, especially surprises just for me!"

Molly and Tonks nodded blissfully, their drunkenness allowed them each only one thought; one emotion at a time. Right now their emotion was telling them to act like thirteen year old girls, while the though was screaming, "AHHHH! It's Gilderoy Lockhart!"

McGonagall stood, but Lockhart turned, easily ignoring the woman who wasn't interested, and migrated over to Lupin and Figgy, who seemed to have unlimited stamina.

"Dancing? I LOVE to dance!" Lockhart climbed onto the table next to the jitterbuggers and began dancing with both Molly and Tonks, holding them up as they danced. Soon, Mrs. Figg noticed Lockhart's presence and cast Lupin aside to live out her celebrity fantasy.

Remus looked sad for only a moment, then he glanced sideways to see the seething Minerva McGonagall approach. He got down to join her.

_Here_, he thought through the Firewhiskey swamping his mind, _is a woman who will find a plan to win me back my dance partner. _

"Professor McGonagall," Lupin called, hands thrown in the air with an excitement one had when greeting a dear friend after years of absence.

"Remus," Minerva returned, her enraged gaze never leaving the table Lockhart and the other females of the party were dancing on.

"I seem to have lost my dance partner, and this was my favorite song," Lupin wailed.

McGonagall's attention immediately went back to Lupin. "Well, we can _not_ have that now, can we?"

Lupin looked at his old head of house with a new respect as a gleam entered his eyes that had been gone for many years: the look of a true Marauder.

"Tell me you're saying what I think you're saying," Lupin breathed excitedly.

"Lupin, for every hair-brained, half-baked scheme you and your miscreant friends cooked up, I was there. I was there for you four and dozens of others all the way down to the Weasley twins. This will be very easy."

"Well, I must admit neither one of us are really at the top of our game at the moment," Lupin said.

"I really don't think we have to be considering our…" Minerva gestured at the clumsy movements on the table with a raised eyebrow, "…competition. However, we do have some impressive, and to my knowledge, even sober, backup." McGonagall nodded over in the direction of Fred and George.

McGonagall and Lupin made their way over to where the twins were sitting.

"Boys," McGonagall greeted.

"Professor!" they cried in unison.

"How we've missed you!" George exclaimed.

"We should really get together on more social occasions like this," Fred added, "perhaps when we get back to Hogwarts we can have a drink together form time to time."

"I could think of no better way to spend my time, though actually I think would prefer grading papers," Minerva answered dryly.

"We need your help," Lupin interrupted.

"How can we be of service?" Fred and George bowed deeply before them.

Authors' Note: **Now that's a team I'd like to see in action. **_And you will. Very soon. _**Splendid. **_We'll post again in a few days._


	8. Chapter 8: Pest Control

Disclaimer in Chapter 1

Authors' Note: _A few days, a few years, what's the difference? Actually, this story was finished ages ago but we graduated and never got around to putting the last three chapters up. Lion is with me in spirit and I'm sure she'll agree that it's high time this blasted thing was presented in its entirety._

Chapter 8: Pest Control

Minerva McGonagall had a twinkle in her eye as she stood silent for several second, formulating her master plan.

"Forgive me, Misters Weasley and Weasley, but this may require a bit of unorthodox magic."

Fred and George looked at each other and grinned from ear to ear.

"Anything," they said in unison.

"This is what is going to happen…" She pulled the three wizards into a huddle and whispered feverishly for a few minutes. When they broke, they all nodded, sporting the same mischievous smirks.

"Masculitum Femenitum," McGonagall said, first with her wand pointed at Fred, then at George. The twins blinked, looked at each other and began to laugh uncontrollably. They were, of course, still identical, but were now identical and very lovely twin girls. Their red hair flowed past their shoulders and their faces and bodies were delicate and perfectly proportioned.

"Hmm…," muttered Lupin, "not bad…needs…," he raised his wand and performed a spell that put each of them into matching short sexy black robes.

The twins felt self-conscious only for a moment before shaking the feeling and going to work. The last things McGonagall and Lupin saw were identical winks from the identical beauties before they sauntered off to meet their prey.

Lupin and McGonagall waited in ambush for their roles to arise as Fred and George climbed onto the table-dancefloor.

"Oh my sweet Merlin's beard!" Fred said, displacing his mother on Lockhart's right arm.

"Are you Gilderoy Lockhart?!?" Chimed George, knocking Tonks off his left.

"Er…why, yes!" Lockhart breathed, "yes, as a matter of fact, I am!:

Fred and George shared an evil look and clung tightly to the blond wizard between them.

"Oh, I just _love_ your autobiography, _Magical Me_," cried George, "a work of literary genius!"

"It was even better because it was all about YOU!" Fred said, batting his newly acquired long black eyelashes.

"Was it?" Lockhart stammered, "er…"

"Yes, come, tell us all about yourself," Fred purred, knowing very well that Lockhart didn't know anything about himself other than his name and the fact that he was wonderful.

"I, well, I'm Gilderoy Lockhart," the wizard said confusedly, "I thought you knew."

George sighed, "yes Gilderoy. How about you come with us and sign a few autographs?"

Lockhart perked up instantly at the word 'autograph'.

"Jolly good!" He cried. As the twins lead him down off the table, Lupin stepped up behind them.

"Now, now, yes, isn't that just awful. Stealing him away like that!" Lupin said as he held Molly Weasley, Tonks and Mrs. Figg back to prevent them from stumbling after Lockhart and the twins. Tonks sat down in the middle of the table, her lip quivering. Molly and Mrs. Figg had forgotten instantly about the wizard and began dancing happily with each other. Lupin crouched next to Tonks, who was almost in tears, and put his arm around her. "Come, come, it isn't all that bad. What you need is a real dance," Lupin said soothingly. Tonks just sniffed. Suddenly Lupin knew just what to do. He raised his wand and called "Accio ice cream!" Out of the kitchen flew a bowl of chocolate ice cream, which he handed to Tonks as he helped her off the table.

Meanwhile Fred and George had found a comfortable corner and were chatting pleasantly with Lockhart. Their hands were full of napkins and bits of parchment, all covered in Lockhart's signature. Minerva McGonagall was sitting nearby, discretely throwing spell after spell at the grinning Gilderoy.

Fred and George knew, of course, having been privy to the plan, and didn't react in the slightest as Lockhart began to change. First his hair changed from brilliant blond to a lackluster brown. It lost its wave and grew long and tangled to his shoulders. Even as the wizard smiled, his dazzling white teeth went yellow and crooked. His perfect skin grew red and blotchy. His well-kept body sagged and even his eyes turned a cloudy grey and lost their sparkle. Still the twins said nothing; they were waiting for their cue.

Tonks finally finished her ice cream and stopped crying. Lupin smiled warmly and helped her stand back up on the table. He launched back into his expert jitterbug and soon Tonks was laughing as Remus twirled and dipped her. His eyes looked past his dance partner to Gilderoy Lockhart. He knew the plan would soon be complete.

"AHHHHHHH!" Gilderoy Lockhart cried, looking down at his hospital robes. They were now decorated in orange and purple polka dots with patches of red and yellow plaid. The twins saw their cue.

"EEEEK!" They both screamed in unison, leaping away from the transfigured Lockhart. "You're HIDEOUS, Gildereoy Lockhart!" They cried. The scream was so loud that everybody in the room stopped what they were doing, turned, and upon seeing Lockhart in all his ugliness, promptly spit out their drinks. Lockhart began to wail and cry as he reached up and felt his face.

McGonagall returned the twins to their normal appearances. Lupin grinned evilly, Tonks laughed and hugged Lupin, Molly and Mrs. Figg returned to dancing, Mundungus and Aberforth chuckled, Bill, Charlie an Mr. Weasley applauded, Sirius drank another shot and Snape, for the first time since he could remember, felt a distinct urge to giggle.

"All right, I think that's enough," Aberforth said with a satisfied smirk. "Dung, you'd better take him back to St. Mungo's." Mundungus went to fetch the weeping shell of a wizard and looked at McGonagall admiringly on the way. She smiled and reluctantly reversed her spells as Mundungas escorted Lockhart from the room.

"I almost feel bad," Fred said.

"Remorse? From a Weasley twin?" McGonagall asked sarcastically.

"He said _almost_," George said with a wink.


	9. Chapter 9: Under the Table

Disclaimer in Chapter 1

Authors' Note: _Typing this up after so many years is quite the trip. When we wrote it, Half Blood Prince hadn't even been published yet. How on Earth did we predict so much in this little doodle: Aberforth and Mundungus as business partners, Hagrid singing drinking songs, Lupin and Tonks getting matey… it's a wonder!_

Chapter 9: Under the Table

Minerva McGonagall was extremely pleased with herself. She was forever chasing after the trouble makers at Hogwarts but very rarely was given the opportunity to let her own more mischievous side out. To congratulate herself on a prank that had been such a success, she could have sworn she had even seen Severus smile, she toasted herself. Many times.

The party had now raged for hours and the members of the Order were beginning to drag. Molly and Arabella were hanging on to each other to keep upright, still swaying to the music and Lupin had failed to notice that Tonks had fallen asleep on his shoulder.

Aberforth had extended his bartending duties, not only was he still serving the never-ending match between Snape and Sirius, he continually refilled the glasses of Arthur, Bill and Charlie. They had returned to his corner of the room to hear more from the legendary wizard. The younger Dumbledore told them story after story as they drank glass after glass of Firewhiskey.

Meanwhile, Hagrid and Mad-Eye had bonded nicely and were singing song after song as the toasted each other on their high musical abilities. "Hagrid, it has been quite a while since I've found a worthy drinking partner. You should see these new Aurors nowadays – disgraceful! They'll never make it in my business."

"Ahhhh, they migh' not be as bad as yeh think. You should give 'em a chance. Yeh migh' even make friends with 'em."

"Friends? Aurors don't have friends!" Moody shouted.

It was at this point that Mundungus walked by and overheard the end of the conversation. "Ah, now at least be honest about it Mad-Eye," he said cruelly.

"What's that now? Are you suggesting that I'm a liar?" Moody asked viciously, quick to anger in his intoxicated state.

"Well liar's a little harsh, in my business we call it creative truth-telling," Mundungus answered with a wink.

"You'd better explain yourself before I lose my temper, Fletcher!"

"Now, now, there's no need ter fight," Hagrid said in an attempt to keep the peace.

"Hagrid's right, all I'm saying is you claim that Aurors don't have friends when what you mean is that Aurors aren't friends with you."

Moody's expression darkened and his eye stopped spinning and starred the shabby wizard down. "Care to elaborate on that?" He said in a lethal tone.

Mundungus took another sip of Firewhiskey, which gave him the courage to say what he never would dare say sober: "I'm saying the reason you have no friends is because you're a paranoid crazy old lunatic!"

Moody made to tackle Mundungus but was held back by Hagrid. Prevented from making his intended physical attack against his slanderer, the battered Auror stormed out of Grimmauld Place. Hagrid looked at the door and Mundungus before following his drinking partner out of the room.

"That was not a very nice thing to say." Mundungus looked around to see where the reprimand had come from when he realized McGonagall was sitting upside down in an armchair. Her long grey hair was out of its customary bun for the first time in over a decade and hung down from the chair in which she was struggling to stay conscious. Mundungus walked past to the former dance area, which now contained four prone forms, each using another person as a cushion, and sidled up next to his business partner.

"How are things going here?"

"Well, the Weasley boys are on their last legs but these two are putting forth an admirable effort."

"Yeah, who knew they could last this long. I could really use this to my advantage if they'd take on a few challengers of my choosing…"

"Speaking of advantages," Fred interrupted as he entered the kitchen with his twin. Each now carried a glass of Firewhiskey though neither were showing signs of its effects. "We believe you owe us some money."

"You know, gambling is a terrible vice, boys. You should have taken my advice and not got involved in such a dirty business."

"Nice try, Dung.," smiled George.

"But we've already learned from past mistakes regarding those who don't pay their debts—" intoned Fred.

"—when you shook on our deal," continued George, "we used a spell that will make the money on the table vanish if not given to the proper party—"

"—so you might as well hand it over. At least if you honour your commitment we'll be sure to do business with you again," explained Fred politely.

Aberforth burst into raucous laughter. "Ah, our young protégés have become the masters! They got ya, Fletcher, might as well pay up! As for the rest of you – drink up!" Aberforth gave each of the five guests a larger glass of Firewhiskey and held it up as a toast. As Mundungus handed over 500 galleons, all five downed their tall glasses.

Five glasses slammed down on the table. Snape and Sirius swayed dangerously, both raised a hand to point out the other's weakness and with the effort, passed out on the table.

"Snape won!" Slurred Charlie.

"No way, Black did!" Bill argued.

"Boys it's obvious. Sirius hit the table first," Arthur claimed.

"Snape hit first!" claimed the twins together.

"No, it was on the same shot – the house wins!" Shouted Mundungus triumphantly. The three Weasleys paid no mind to this final comment as they continued their heated discussion.

"Snape!"

"Sirius!"

"Boys!" Charlie threw back his fist and struck his brother, who was off balance to begin with. The added catalyst resulted in Bill crashing into his father and both men went toppling to the ground. In order to save himself, Arthur grabbed at Charlie, which only caused his second son to fall heavily on top of him. As the three men lay on the ground in a heap of robes and red hair, trying to disentangle themselves, they all came to the same conclusion at once: moving was entirely too much effort, so there they would remain.

Aberforth surveyed the remains of the Order of the Phoenix. Everyone was in a state ranging from sleep to coma.

"Well, my work here is done. Time to be moving on. Fletcher, you know what I'm going to say."

"You were never here," Mundungus nodded.

"That goes for us too!" Called Fred.

"Lovely to see you lads again. Until next weekend!"

"Keep out of trouble," Aberforth reminded them.

The twins answered in unison: "We always do."


	10. Chapter 10: The Morning After

Disclaimer in Chapter 1

Authors' Note: _This is it! The end at last, and only …er, um… five years late! Hope it gave you a giggle, even if it was a belated giggle._

Chapter 10: The Morning After

The waking hour came all too quickly for the Order of the Phoenix. Mundungus had dragged himself upstairs to bed after his partner departed and was the first up the next morning. When he entered the kitchen, he surveyed the scene.

Lupin was sitting at the kitchen table, head back and legs propped up on the table. Mrs. Figg had her head in Lupin's lap, Tonks was stretched across the table with her head resting on his feet. Molly Weasley was half on the table, with her head on Tonk's stomach, and half off, with her feet on Mrs. Figg's back. Were sound asleep, except for Lupin who had no way of extricating himself without disrupting his comrades, so he remained in position, groggily staring at the ceiling, trying not to think about how much he needed the toilet.

Minerva McGonagall was curled up in a chair, her long grey hair covering her like a blanket. Even in sleep she was smiling broadly, dreaming of her perfectly executed plan of the previous night.

Charlie, Bill and Arthur were on the floor in a heap near the door. Snape and Sirius still lay hunched over the table between them, exactly as they had fallen. Both were still clutching full shots of Firewhiskey.

"Time to raise the dead, I think," Mundungus muttered to himself. He made his first course of action freeing Lupin from his duties as pillow and mattress. They both set about gently rousing the crowd.

Lupin woke the ladies at his table. Mundungus rose McGonagall and the Weasley men. They were all up save Snape and Sirius, whom everybody was afraid to touch, when Hagrid and Mad-Eye Moody stumbled in.

"Where did you two go?" Mr. Weasley said as they entered, deeply regretting the agonizing din of his own whisper.

"Er…we was… the thing is…" Hagrid stammered.

"We woke up a few minutes ago in the flower bed next to the front door." Moody growled. Everybody who was able winced through a laboured laugh. At that moment, the duelists stirred. Sirius pushed himself upright as slowly as possible, his face bearing an imprint of the wood grain from the table. He struggled to keep his head up and didn't dare try to raise his body. He looked across the table as Snape made the same effort. He greasy hair was plastered to his face.

"Hangover control," said Mundungus, far too loud for the taste of anyone present. He conjured a tall glass of water for each person present and instructed them to drink if they wanted to be coherent by the end of the month.

"I don't even know what happened," Tonks moaned, "I…I remember dancing." She looked at Lupin who blinked and looked at Mrs. Figg.

"Mmm." He took a big gulp of water. "That I do recall. How about you, twinkle-toes?" Mrs. Figg waved away his words as she drank from her cup. Bill and Charlie looked up.

"Were Fred and George here?" Bill asked, putting on a look of extreme concentration. Molly's head shot up, much to her regret.

"No, no, they couldn't have been. They don't even know the Order exists," she said in earnest.

"Who won the contest?" McGonagall asked Mundungus. Snape and Sirius both looked at the wizard too. They were curious as to who had won themselves, neither remembering the end of the night at all.

"You both hit the table together on the same shot," he crowed, "guess you'll have to have a rematch." Both wizards turned green and looked ill at the thought.

"Do any of you remember Aberforth Dumbledore being here?" Lupin asked the crowd at large.

"Who?" Asked Tonks

"Dumbledore's brother's called Aberforth, but I've certainly never met him," Bill said.

"Me neither."

"Nor have I."

"I haven't either."

"I've heard some stories about him though." They all nodded in consent and went back to their water.

"Was Gilderoy Lockhart here?"

Snape, who had just taken an unusually large drink from his glass, relieved his mouth of its burden. He spit the water all over the room with the highest concentration aimed directly across from him, right in Sirius Black's face. Snape looked livid.

"NEVER say Gilderoy Lockhart while I'm drinking."


End file.
